Self-Sabotage And 4 Ways To Prevent This

Hi there. This is steve pomeroy And Welcome to My First Podcast in 2022. It's been a while since I've recorded one of these. So it's truly good to be with you. I hope you're having a good summer today. I'm going to talk about a subject that I can relate to in so many different ways. It's the subject of self sabotage. I'm also gonna share with you four ways that I use to prevent me from self sabotaging and if I am going down that path for me to identify where I'm at and have a plan to move out of that behavior. So I looked up self sabotage. There's a number of different definitions. I want to read one to you that I think is very straightforward self sabotage refers to behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do. For me, That means I'm not following my heart. That also means that I'm not being steve. I'm not my authentic self. I'm inclined to wear a mask to hide what's really going on with me, which probably is fear. I'm also wearing a mask to present myself to you in a way that I think that you want to see me? I'm also thinking feeling and acting out of fear. So what does self sabotage look like? There's a lot of different thought patterns and behaviors. I'm going to read some to you that I looked up, refusing to seek help and support when we need it suppressing dismissing our emotions repeating patterns and expecting different results. Have to chuckle a little bit on that one, I think someone shared with me, that's the definition of insanity, not taking responsibility, focusing on instant gratification, resisting change, engaging in negative self talk, shying away from any discomfort or unknown. I used alcohol to do that for many years as some of you know, I became alcoholic. So sabotaging self sabotaging played a big role in me becoming an alcoholic, I believe, focusing on the past, procrastination, violating our own and other's boundaries hiding our authentic selves. I mentioned that one earlier and avoiding people that will tell us the truth. The things that we don't want to hear. That's quite a list. And there are some others. I just wanted to summarize it for you. And I truly can say I can identify with all of those at some point in my life. They say that self sabotage can come from a number of places. It can be a trauma response, you know, due to things that happened to us. Unfortunately, in our past being neglected, abused, a lot of forms of abuse, mental, emotional, spiritual, physical sexual abandonment issues, fear of rejection. All of these are going to contribute to a low self esteem, which ultimately is going to lead us into a negative place. So what I'd like to do today with you is focus on where I believe it begins for me and that's negative self talk. Negative self talk for me is simply rejecting or flat out removing the positives from my life. You ever had somebody try to encourage you and point out the positives and we're just sitting there because we're so negative and we're just kicking them out, we're rejecting those positives and heck we may even avoid these people because we think they're too positive for us, we're uncomfortable around them. So I realized when I do that, it's gonna weaken my mind and I'm gonna become very emotional at that point. I'm in an emotional state at this point because I'm in a negative state of mind, I start to do things that are going to build up and lead to this self sabotaging behavior. I start to assume things. I don't take the time to check my assumptions, whether there real or imagined or possibly both. I start to over generalize things, you know, everybody's out to get me, nobody likes me. I start to look at things is maybe all or nothing, you know, it's gotta be this way or no way at all. That limits me. I've realized I'm not very open at that point. I keep going in the state now, I've created a crisis, everybody else is kind of like, hey, steve man, what's what's up, what are you so upset about to me now? It's a crisis and now I'm spinning out of control, even though I can start to try and manipulate the outcome, you know, by trying to manipulate others because I believe it has to be a certain way. I get caught up this in this pattern long enough now my feelings start to seem factual to me and I even can take it a step further and present them to you as if they're factual and people start to question those now I'm starting to get offended. So I've made these assumptions, I've gotten into this all or nothing type thinking it has to be a certain way. I'm spinning out of control. I've created this crisis now it's personal. You've questioned me all the time. My self esteem is eroding now. I'm starting to feel lost and disconnected in life now because I've taken it personal. I'm not open to receiving any support, I'm rejecting you. I'm blocking you. I all of a sudden start to form a grudge and think you're against me now I'm a bit bitter. All that's doing is leading me into this place. I've realized of feeling insecure feeling alone Now. Self pity becomes very natural, Nobody gets me, everybody's out to get me. I think I'm I think I'm a good person. I don't get it. Why won't people accept me? The way I am. What I realized is not being me. I'm caught up in all these emotions. So I've realized that today in my recovery at this point, I have two choices. I can stay in this mode, which is an incredibly negative mindset, you know what they say in negative mind equals a negative life, I became alcoholic that's pretty negative. So now I can either hold on to these resentments that are building up piling up and use them as a way to justify my actions, meaning that's how I treat you now. I feel like I've been mistreated and abused. Now I'm doing this to you, I've been abused. Now I've become the abuser that doesn't work out too well. Now I'm back into self pity. The shame is piling up, my self esteem has taken a big hit and now I'm ashamed of not acting differently and also ashamed of the way I treated you. I can go back into this cycle and choose to play the victim and repeat this all over again. That's very that became very self destructive for me. And I drank for a while, it seemed like that alcohol was the great regulator in my life until it wasn't or I can start to change my negative mindset. I can start to own my thoughts, feelings and actions. I'm not avoiding them anymore and I'm not giving them to you and expecting you to do something with them. Like you're gonna fix me. The only person that can fix me is steve. So here are four things that I do today to prevent self sabotaging behavior and if I feel like I'm going down this path, I can pull myself out of it and get things on track, the important thing, I mean for me, I don't want to be there. So number one, I've established a mindfulness practice, there's different definitions out there for this, but I believe mindfulness and I've read and studied a little bit is at the core of emotional regulation. We were just talking about being in the emotional state. So for me it's the ability to be fully present and aware. It's not an easy one. These negative thoughts and things that happened from the past that can come up, but I don't want them to own me. They owe me for too long. I want to be in the present now I want to be more aware of why I'm feeling this way, that's where I wanna go. I wanna know, okay I'm feeling this way I'm upset, I'm irritated, I've got all this going on. But life seems good why I want to get to this place of not feeling overwhelmed and I certainly don't want to be highly reactive because that can create a lot of damage and it can destroy not only me and my self esteem but relationships and I need relationships. I need connection. There's a lot of different ways we can establish a mindfulness practice, it can meditate if you know how to worry. It's the opposite of orient. You can focus on your breath, recite gratitude, which I'll get to in a moment and just start to let the thoughts come in and be a little bit more aware I like to write as some of you know, journal things down. It's an action. I'm getting it out of my head and on the paper I get lost in my head. Watch out. I can come up with some beautiful things and it can be a dangerous place to go. There's therapy. There are support groups. I attend 12 step support group meetings. That's my choice. It's like free therapy. I have friends that I can go to self care for me means something for my mind, my soul and my body and positive self talk. Now I can pause. I can start to challenge my assumptions and oh my fears. I said that earlier. I'm coming from a place of fear when I'm doing this behavior when I'm engaged in it. That's not me. I want to own it. I want to take chances. I want to have courage. I wanna come from a place of love that's steve and I believe that applies to most people in life. Sometimes we just need some help finding it. Remember a negative mind equals a negative life. Positive affirmations are so powerful. You can journal about them, you can recite them, you can put them up on your mirror, you can put them in your phone. You can keep a journal. You can use it in meditation regardless your mind and your soul was listening. Therefore a positive mind can equal a positive life. I encourage you to give that a chance. Number two self validation to me that ties into positive affirmations and me changing old beliefs that I had about steve. Like I'm not enough, I'm not enough for this podcast. I'm not enough for my nonprofit. I'm not enough of a son, I'm not enough of a friend, a brother. I need to give this to myself first. If I'm dependent on you, I'm giving up my power and inevitably, inevitably and invariably we all let each other down. I want my power back, so I'm gonna self validate. I can do this for steve Now. I'm going into number three, which is now I can be a part of the solution, a positive mind. I'm going to come up with ideas and solutions and something that's a win, win a compromise. If I'm on the negative mindset, how can I possibly offer up a solution? A positive idea and being encouraging and supporting not only to me but to you, that also requires me to do my part first, not to worry about what I think you're not doing, but to do my part first and fourth, gratitude. It's not going to hurt you. They say it's the healthiest of all of our emotions and very healing for us. I can focus on what I have in my life or what I don't have for me, the more I focus on what I have I receive more in my life. More opportunities, More good things come to me, therefore I have more things to be grateful for. So that's it for this podcast. I hope you find it useful again. I hope you are having a really good summer, maybe a little vacay or steak. A and I wish you nothing but the, the best I hope to talk to you very soon and continue these podcasts and remember you do matter. You are enough. You are loved and you can do this one step at a time. Take care, good luck to you and God bless.