4 Ways To Slow Down When We Are Upset

Hey there, it's steve again. Thanks for joining me. It's great to be with you as always, have you ever found yourself in a relationship that has gone south. It just isn't working anymore. You're asking yourself that question, like the song, should I stay or should I go other questions like, why bother with this? Why doesn't the other person understand where I'm coming from or what have I done wrong or why does this always happen to me? We we tend to start focusing on about who's right and who's wrong. We start to focus on getting our way we start to and maybe we don't even realize it manipulate the outcome. We start to focus on the other person's faults. We forget about their strengths and everything seems to be aligned to move on. But then we ask ourselves another question, why do I still have feelings for this person? And I can't seem to let go of them. I think for those of us that have been around long enough, whether it's a friendship, a family member, a significant other, an existing relationship that you're in your marriage, we've all been there. And obviously, I think the key for us is to if it doesn't work out and we decide to move on or it's a mutual parting of the ways that in the future we don't miss out on an opportunity to find what we're looking for that connection, that real intimacy. So what I'm gonna talk about today are some ways four ways that I've identified to number one create space for ourselves to seek some safety from all the things that are coming up for us. We think we have this game plan, we're gonna meet up with this person again and the next thing you know, we're in the heat of the battle. We've forgotten about our script, we've forgotten about neutralizing our own anger and being able to identify with what's coming up for us, therefore regulating our own emotions. We forgot about how to maintain our boundaries and we find ourselves very unhappy, hurt, angry, again confused and we're tired of this, but we just can't seem to move on. So we're going to talk about specific ways to move away and find safety and then we're gonna talk about in this in these four ways how we can find clarity and start getting answers to the questions we've been asking for a long time. And I believe that number one and you've heard me talk about this for months now and about shame because then we start to beat ourselves up and what have I done wrong. And that can lead to self pity that can lead to playing the victim. And as we know if we've been there, we realize it's unhealthy for us. We don't want to go back there. We want to feel empowered to take care of ourselves and set healthy boundaries and maintain them when people seem so inclined and and just dialed in to violate those. So our goal here is to slow down the pace of play, Our vibration things are just out of sorts. We need time to think. We need to give time time, we need to take the pressure off about who's right and who's wrong, clear our heads. And just to become more aware of what's going on for us and then we can find some clarity and some answers to our solutions, which is really what we want. So we've got to slow things down, going back to the same friend or going to a different friend and captivating them, capturing them for a period of time where you're doing all the talking and they're trying to listen and they're trying to offer up suggestions and thoughts and we're not open enough to do it, we're closed off and we're kind of wasting their time because we're coming from our ego from a place of ego. We just left the place of ego with the other person and when the egos are involved, it's very difficult and if it's all ego, it's impossible to think logically and rationally about these things. So let's talk about that number one. The first suggestion here is it's time to listen to your friends because they've been telling you this for a while and that is move away, get away from the situation creates space for yourself and when you're doing that, please do not apologize for that. And if the other person, the other party doesn't want you to have that time that may tell you something right there, a they're not respecting your boundary because that's a boundary and maybe they haven't been respecting your boundaries all along. Someone's not willing. If they really respect you and value you as a person, they're gonna agree to that and they're gonna say, hey, that's a great idea if they want to manipulate the outcome, which means you you're gonna be met with resistance. So if you go back a month or so, I've talked about that in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. So a lot of the stuff I've talked about in the past, we're going to continue to tie it together. We've got boundaries, setting starts with that for ourselves and then we can do it for others regulating our emotions and shame can be a big one. Shame is a killer, is someone in recovery from the disease of alcoholism, shame is a killer. And I've talked about that in the past as you know, so we've got to think about what's coming up for us so we can neutralize our ego, which includes that anger and other emotions before we can even go back and try to have, if it's possible a rational logical conversation and at the end of the day, if things don't work out, we want to put ourselves in position to take our past, use it as a strength to have a corrective experience moving forward. So I'm moving around a little bit here. So again, number one move away, give time time and if the other person is pushing you for a timetable, I encourage you to have no timetable and if they can't live with that again, you may have your answer already. I've had to tell people, wow, you've hit me with a lot here. Alls I can commit to doing at this time is giving it some thought to think about it and I've left it right there. I haven't even committed to getting back to them at all because when they're coming at me and it's everything that I've done to their disliking and all my flaws and it's all on me time out. I've got my issues like all of us, but you know, I have my limitations to how much I'm going to accept, especially if I suspect the person is not being logical, it's all ego right now. So I encourage you not to have a timetable in my recovery, There is no timetable except for today, that's my timetable. I do not think about a lifetime of abstinence. I think about abstaining from a drink today. # two we've moved away. You've heard me talk about this in the past. First and foremost, it's an inside job. So you've heard me talk about the how honest open, willing, honest about your part. What's my part in this doesn't mean you go back and drop to your knees and it's a full confession about everything you've ever done, just start with you, your higher power if you wish and, and that's somebody that you can count on that, you know, is gonna listen. But if you're coming from a place of ego, they're humans just like us, they're gonna start shutting you down. So if you start start talking about, hey, here's where I think I may have, you know, gone astray here. So that honesty is so critical to being available to be in a healthy intimate relationship that will allow you to be more open because people are gonna be more thoughtful and constructive and giving you feedback, they're gonna say, wow, this person is being honest about their part. They seem like they're in a pretty good place and coming from a place of logic and less ego. So open to alternative thoughts and suggestions that may have been there all along now. You're giving yourself time to start to ponder those and realize, hey, that might be a good idea. The third component of the, how is the willing to do this seeing recovery, if you're not willing to be honest about what's true about you really honest, rigorously honest. You're gonna have a hard time getting staying sober. Number one And # two, living a sober life and a life that's worth living with meaning and purpose. So this is gonna feel a little bit contrary doing things differently, opening up being honest, but I believe it's key now, number three, this one, I believe they're all important is the key to us living a happy, joyous free life free from this kind of stuff that is unsettling and upsetting and hurts being successful as a person. We're not talking about money here and that is gratitude. Gratitude sets us up for change to change our past, our present. And then what I talked about earlier, having the corrective experience in the future, gratitude empowers us to not be a victim anymore. Have you ever noticed some of the happiest people, most peaceful, serene people you can meet are the most grateful. I'll give you an example take and I've read about this in books take for example, holocaust survivors. I mean, can you imagine some of you can Because many are still living very healthy, productive, meaningful lives. And these people lived to 90 100 110 years of age and they're so grateful for what's happened to them and how they've reshaped their lives. I mean, you talk about having a corrective experience. You know, I've had the pleasure of reading and and learning more about how they view life And I mean, no disrespect when I bring that up. By the way, gratitude for five minutes to 30 minutes a day is going to make you a happier person if you practice it. It's a verb for me practicing gratitude not what I'm not getting in my life and what I don't have in my life and not focusing on external validation most of the time and thinking about what people have done wrong to me and how I've been wronged in life is being grateful for shelter, food, clothing, a job, friends, family and the list goes on and on the fourth piece which you've heard me talk about before almost in every podcast. Self care, self love in these moments these situations, make sure you're taking care of you, whatever it is you like to do, read a book, vigil, go to the gym, take a walk, be with a friend. So in recap here we create space number one, we move away to we practice the how honest, open and willing three gratitude is key and recovering from relationships and other unfortunate circumstances. Self care self love. I believe these four things will give you the clarity that we all want and now we're in position to answer some of these questions and know when to say yes or to say no, when to tolerate and ignore, When to take action or when to sit still and wait and finally when to stay or when it's time to go. It's great to be with you happy July four. Coming up here in a few days, I hope you take some time to be grateful for our independence and our great country. I know many of you love our country like I do and for all of those people before our existence that fought hard for independence and gave up their lives for independence. Thanks for tuning in. It's great to be with you. Good luck with this. Stay in touch and God bless you.