Handling Rejection in Recovery Part 2

Hey there. It's steve again. Welcome to this week's podcast. Thanks for joining me. As you know, I can be followed at W W W dot Believe in big change dot com. I've also started up a facebook group on social media called conquering shame and recovery. As some of you know, that is a big part of my focus. My shame is what is true about me and I accept that and I work to reduce that shame level on a daily basis. I'm gonna talk about that a little bit here Today. Last week we talked about making connections. I gave you five ways in person To work on making connections with others and expanding your universe. We talked about saying Hello 1st, taking the initiative if appropriate. Making physical contact like a handshake. I mentioned hugs or bonus points. We can all use a hug, giving out compliments, you do that. That person could say, hey maybe I was wrong about this guy or gal, wow. They said something nice to me that made my day. Maybe when they reach out to me again, I'll be a little bit more open minded being of service simply that could just be holding the door for somebody as you're walking out of the store. Another one that I give bonus points for is listening. I'm gonna continue to talk about that one. It's so important to take a few minutes to listen to somebody else simply with the intent to understand them a little bit better where they're coming from. We all need that we need to feel like we've been heard not just listening with the intent of responding to reply, trying to fix something today. We're gonna talk a little bit about rejection. We make these efforts for connection and we feel rejected. And if we feel that rejection over and over again, I believe, and this is what happened to me. Our minds, my mind became conditioned to feeling I'm not enough, there's something wrong with me. They don't understand me that negative self talk that would build up and it became the norm for me, the status quo, if you will. So, for me, rejection, I feel inadequate. I don't feel like I'm enough for the situation, the person, the relationship. If it progresses to that in business, it was much easier to deal with because the intimacy that I showed was control, controlled intimacy. I showed you what I wanted you to see if I'm center stage and I'm giving a presentation or in a meeting or one on one, I'm gonna show you what I want you to see. You know, as they say, it's nothing personal. It's just business. What happens when it becomes personal and we're talking about matters of the heart? It could be something early on, it could be something much much later in a relationship. We're all looking for connection, We're wired for connection. I thrive with connection. I feel inspired when you reach out to me through the site, my daily interaction with others, going to support group meetings. I feel motivated. I believe in myself, my ability to chase fulfill follow and live my dreams, my aspirations, achieve my goals. You believe in me. I believe in you, that that's amazing stuff and I believe we all need that whether we want to admit it or not and if we don't, that's unfortunate because it happened to me and life was passing me by and thankfully I was able to do something about it and I'm gonna talk about that today. So when I feel rejected again, I feel like I'm not enough and what would happen to me in the past is that my pride and ego would take over. We all, we all have one, it might be a little more subtle and hide and be a little bit more evasive for some like me and be a little bit more out there and present and and just you know, in neon and bold letters for something, but we all have one that means the self critic is taken over. It's not only telling me that I've done something wrong now, I've taken it personally and I'm gonna focus on what the other person I feel has done wrong. So that hurt turns to anger, which would eventually lead to a resentment and resentments can kill you. Trust me, I've talked about my alcoholism and the places that it took me and it's a miserable way to lead your life. So what did I do? I sought approval and attention from people that turned out to really not be true friends. A true friend will come from a place of love, listen to you to hold you accountable. They'll know to be sensitive and delicate about it and talk about what you need. I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear, to make me feel better at that particular time and place. So that's what I went looking for. And I went out to far too many people, as they say, too many cooks were in that kitchen. That'll drive you a little crazy. Or as they say, drive you to drink, which is what happened to me. I would become guarded as a result of this. What does that mean? It means I probably missed out on other opportunities for connection and intimacy. Probably didn't even realize it. I wonder about it sometimes. And then as you know, I drank and that just starts the cycle all over. It's unhealthy coping. It may have made me feel better. Uh but as it progressed, um it only started the cycle over and over again. So I was living in and out of hell for about a decade. Today, here's five things that I focus on when I feel like there's rejection number one and I tie these two together. I check my expectation that I have this unrealistic expectation when I made myself vulnerable, that I was gonna get the same thing in return. Not always gonna get that, they may just be listening and they've heard you, but at that moment they just don't have the ability to respond. And it's ok, we've been there, sometimes we need to sleep on it. As they say, I hold myself accountable. How do I do that? I check my own boundaries that today are such a big part of my core belief system, my integrity. And I look and I ask a question, did I compromise them? Did I compromise them in some way? Because I liked the attention that I was getting, even though that attention probably meant they were putting me up on a pedestal, thus having a false perception of me, don't put me up on the pedestal. There's only one or two ways you can come down and not always can we just walk down under our own terms and exit gracefully, as they say, There's a lot of times we fall right down, obviously, the key is dusting ourselves up off and getting back up. Were they looking for an ideological connection? What does that mean? Well, that could mean that people are looking for that? We love to love certain things, people places and things and we love to hate them. Usually the emphasis is on love to hate certain things. What does that lead to gossip? Negative gossip? And we know what that means. If they're gossip gossiping about others, that means eventually that boomerang is coming back and they're gonna be gossiping about us and when they don't get what they think they want and need, they'll start singing a different story. It's all about blame. The blame goes on you. They may even play that victim card and it may feel like you're not being heard. But the fact of the matter is if they're going in with a false perception of us and it's staying there, there's probably not much we can do to change it other than speaking up for ourselves and making sure that that boundary is there. Hey, you, you seem to be gossiping about other people. I'm not real comfortable with that. That may mean they get up and leave the table. They may be angry at you and me. I've had that happen. I've had to say, hey, this person is a friend of mine and say it two or three times to let them know you're talking about my friend and I gotta be honest with you. I haven't always had the courage to do that. So I liked the attention. I like being put up on that pedestal. It catered to my ego at that time. Self care. I've talked about this before. It's so important. This is when we really got to double down on our self care and be gentle with ourselves to be able to listen to others, sit still with our thoughts without, in our feelings without passing judgment on ourselves and ultimately on the other person so that we can grow and move forward. If we're passing judgment, those resentments are gonna pull us back down into the weeds and for me it was back down in the weeds and poor me, poor me. As they say, self pity, another drink that segues into the next point. No judgment. That's my ultimate goal to not judge myself to recognize. Hey, the boundary just wasn't quite there. I don't have to beat myself up for that. I'm just increasing my awareness and ultimately strengthening my value system and building my integrity, daily gratitude, practicing gratitude. I've talked about this before focusing on what I have. I have this opportunity to speak with you. I speak to people on the phone. I got to eat a good meal. I get to go to the gym. I got to meditate and pray and the list goes on and on and on, which I've written about about practicing gratitude when I do that, I realize I'm getting exactly what I need today from the universe. I'm turning inward at least 80% of the time. Yes, I need things externally. To me. I need you, I need connection. I have needs basic needs. Like we all do housing shelter and as we know, some people don't even have that today, which is another subject. We'll talk about, continue to talk about if I focus on what I'm not getting. It will never be enough. I call that the 80 20 principle, He probably heard that I didn't come up with it. I used to spend 80% of the time focusing on everything external to me and what I wasn't getting 20%. I was being honest with myself. What a recipe for some suffering, some misery. I looked to reverse that each and every day. Yeah. There's a 20% of the crap with people, places and things that we all have to deal with that life. I get honest with myself, rigorously honest. There's a story that we want to tell and then there's a story behind the story we get real. We get honest and yes, that makes us feel vulnerable because we are being vulnerable and acknowledge the fact that we're struggling when someone says, how you doing? I don't just opt out with, I'm fine. I've written and talked about that one. You know what fine is fucked up, insecure neurotic or slash needy neurotic sounds a little harsh and emotional. That doesn't mean I choose to lay all that stuff on every person that I come across in my day. I might just say, hey, you know what I'm doing, Alright? I'm hanging in there today when we do that, we are actually creating an opportunity for more connection. You might be hanging around the group and you may say, hey, look, I'm struggling a little bit right now. I've got a situation that doesn't seem to be working out. I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk about it right now, but you know, thanks for asking me that. And, and I'm struggling a little bit. You never know who's listening and can relate to exactly what you might be going through and identify again, listening to understand. Not listening. Just for the sake of responding. Real friends will listen. And if you've got a couple of those, you're blessed. That's what my gran used to say. My late grand. If you can count the number of real friends you have on one hand, you're blessed and I believe that today. So be honest about that. It might be the person that you never thought would be there for you when I needed to get sober again. My father had reached out to him and I said, hey, look, I'm not doing well, I'm drinking. He acted on it right away. I wasn't sure if I could count on him. Our relationship wasn't always the best, but right then and there he was there for me. So in summarizing, I work on these five things and get honest with myself. That's the truth that I'm seeking what is true about steve what is true about others, we can't control, I can't control that. We may never get that. It kind of sucks. I know and that's a tough reality to accept. But working on these things helps me with the accept acceptance. I feel empowered to grow again to put it out there again. I don't pass judgment on myself and others. That's always my goal. It begins with me turning inward, not passing judgment on me and then I can let it go and not pass judgment on the other person. Doesn't mean I have to necessarily associate with them. That creates more opportunity. So that's it for this week. I've got a newsletter coming out. I'm doing a podcast every week now versus once a month and I'm gonna write an additional blog. I look forward to your feedback at all matters. So keep sending me those notes and if there's something specific you want to hear from me about, let me know all those notes are red by me and in confidential confidentiality is is maintained. I know how important that is. So thanks again. Hey, we got an opportunity to do this today. We can do this. We got this one. We matter were enough today. We can be impactful today with these things. We can be amazing. I love you. Thanks again for listening and I'll talk to you real soon. Take care