Handling Rejection In Recovery

Hey there, it's steve again and thanks for joining me for this week's podcast. And thanks again for following me at www dot Believe in big change dot com. Hope you're having a great week as always. And again, a friendly reminder if you find out that you're not having a great week or a great day for that matter. Remember you can pause and reset your intentions in any given time. We have that ability, we don't just have to let the tape roll. So just a friendly reminder for that. Again, good to be with you this week. We're gonna talk about another tough subject. I believe we've talked about some difficult ones, vulnerability, shame, connection. I've struggled with all of them at some point in my life and I've shared with you how I work through them at some level. I'm gonna talk about rejection today and how to handle rejection what I do on a daily basis because I believe a lot of this comes from beer. It comes from shame. Some people think it's just energy whose energy is it, is it my energy? Is it your energy? Is it our energy? Where does it come from? So I'm going to discuss that a little bit today. Again, it can be difficult. It can be challenging. We need real connection, intimacy with others. For me, as I've said before, it's my lifeline in recovery from alcoholism. I need to connect with you all I need this connection. I'm gonna talk about some of the things that I've done in the past and what I do today to continue to reach out and make connections with others. So in doing that, we have to be willing to be vulnerable. That can be challenging. Takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable with each other, especially when we live in a society of high expectations when they're not met, we shame ourselves, we shame each other. There's judgments that take place of ourselves and others, resentments form and then the ugly word of hate. We'll talk a little bit about that in a few minutes as well. So it takes a lot of courage. We have to be honest, that means we've got we all have a story we bring to the table, everybody's got a story sometimes when we get to know each other a little bit better now, we have to step it up a little bit uplevel things and there's a story behind the story, some call that rigorous honesty being vulnerable, Having this courage takes humility. We have to bring to the table that honesty, humility and openness, a willingness also means we need to be willing to listen to others to try and understand them a little bit better. Not just to respond to them. Oh really? Oh, you went there and traveled there while I went here. We need to learn to be happy for the other person as well. That's where real friendship comes into play those, those of us that are happy for the other people when they're happy. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about what's our role, what gets in the way that leaves us feeling so rejected and it can downward spiral through shame, fear. And then again the resentments, the hatred, the judgment comes into play. So I'm going to share with you what played out for me in the past and what my role was, as I've said before, I brought a lot of shame to the table after a while I built up, you know, my determination, my ambition in life got me pretty far. But that shame and that heavy drinking was lagging behind and then it caught up. It got even with me. Yeah, it got even with me, ha ha and then it surpassed me and now I work daily to grow and and recover from that. So here's, here's what I did. Here's how the script played out for me. I started to compromise. I, we like to fit in. I'm no different. I don't like conflict. I really don't. I handled a lot better today. I hit about a 10 year patch where I didn't handle it very well because I was drinking heavily, which turned into alcoholism. So conversations going along, you think somebody's interested to be more than just acquaintances to be your friend. Uh, subjects come up. Sometimes they're a little bit controversial. I've always tended to shy away from that and be almost too politically correct if you know what I mean. So I would stay silent, I wouldn't speak up. I was afraid to speak up about how I really felt even though sometimes some people don't give you the opportunity, they'll just talk right through you, even though there were times I was given the opportunity, something that made me feel unsafe. I'm gonna talk about that in future podcast. So I started to compromise what I believed in. You start doing that boundaries become compromised. A lot of times I did that because I liked the attention. It catered to my ego. It was nice. It made me feel good. What can I say? The interesting thing that played out and carrying that shame, bringing that shame to the table and becoming afraid of not being liked because I like that attention was I wasn't dealing from a position of strength anymore. Kind of tough to do that when you come to the table thinking that you don't have a position of strength, you don't have the courage to show that that you're a strong person. So I became insecure. I shamed myself not only for not standing up for what I believed in and what they prompted me to do was to seek out external validation from people more compliments seeking. So I people pleased to get more compliments in return. So there was a string attached if you follow me. So I looked for that external validation, Those affirmations for people to kind of confirm my identity why I'm responsible for that. So I started to feel more and more insecure, I felt threatened if I perceived conflict arose arose. I wanted to avoid it. My go to for a while was alcohol to help me regulate that and make me feel better about myself. I'm gonna tell you what I do now today in the present to do that, because if I drink, that's a problem for me, and it could lead me to a sad and very lonely death and uh I'm not willing to sign up for that one anymore. Not today anyways. So it plays out, the script plays out, it doesn't work out. I start to shame myself of not thinking I'm enough on top of the shame that I brought to the table. I'm hard on myself. Self pity starts to creep in. Why did I let this happen to me? I mean, why why was I that stupid? How did I let this person fool me? Well, maybe they didn't do anything at all. Maybe I was just fooling myself. Maybe I just wasn't honest enough again, speaking up for myself, that led that self pity lead to judgment, self judgment and starting to judge others. And when I found myself doing that, judging others, I form resentments towards me and towards others and that's not a good place to be in at any stage of our lives for me going into alcoholism, it only made it worse and the drink just wasn't gonna fix that. So that's a little bit about my role that left me feeling very isolated. A lot of times, I, if I felt I was rejected, I would reject you and just stop showing up and not come around anymore and it was, hey, what happened to steve? And I would carry that with me onto the next encounter and wasn't able to open up for somebody who was really may be really interested in me. So I felt abandoned, isolated more. I felt cut off and I drank until eventually I decided to do something about that. So we see this happen on a daily basis. Again, I've said it before, we live in the shaming society, high expectations. We form judgments, resentments and we hate each other and an easy way that we do that and we hate people from afar. Social media, right? It's easy to hate people from afar. You ever notice it's kind of hard to hate somebody and dislike them. Hate such a strong word. I really don't like that word when we start to get to know them a little bit, we start to get to know them up close. You ever notice that there's some people that you don't like and you're not sure why and then it dawns on you, jeez, I don't even know that person or vice versa, Hey, I get the sense that this person doesn't even like me too much, doesn't care for me and jeez, they haven't even taken the time to get to know me, I've done both. So it's not a very good position to be in again. I would self pity and say, why did I let this happen to me? Why did this happen to me? They don't understand me, They don't get me. And the cycle would repeat itself over and over again. The shame would pile on. My self worth took an amazing hit. An amazing blow to where I ended up in a place of just total isolation and cut off and taking another drink. So let's talk about today today and you've heard me talk about this before. I continue to practice self care. It's got to come from me from N word, I practice gratitude. I go through a gratitude list daily throughout the day. It always helps me get into the present. I couple that with positive affirmations, I am enough. My effort is enough today. What I want and need is coming to me what I want and need is here today and praying for the courage, the strength and courage to look for that again. You have to be honest, open and willing boundaries. I start by listening to other people to understand them first. I make that effort. That's an effort. That's my time to listen to you, to try to understand you and make an attempt to identify with you. Sometimes we may agree. Sometimes we may agree to disagree. I speak up. I simply asked for clarification. What did you mean by that? I want to understand what you said a little bit better. Help me out a little bit if you would or if they get worked up on a particular topic, I may simply say, is there something that upset you? I want to understand you a little bit better. So I think that's a good place to start again. Self care boundaries. Number three I network just like in business, I pick up that phone. I'm looking for that connection. You're my lifeline. I've got to have that connection. Therefore I don't put all my eggs in one basket. I have some great friends, some amazing friends and family that has been there for me through thick and thin and I'm so grateful for that every single day. But they have their life, they have their lives to live. They have their issues, they have the battle that they're fighting upstairs, just like the rest of us. So they may not always be able to be there if I'm depending on them. And I put too many eggs in one basket. I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I'm putting them up up on a pedestal with way too high of expectations and that is unfair to them. So again, it's kind of a numbers game. I get out of my comfort zone. I make the call, otherwise I'm not gonna have plans for today, tomorrow, this weekend or next month. That's not a good place for me to be in. So I take action and I do something about it. The fourth thing that I do and you've heard me mention this before and I do this every single night before I hit my head hits the pillow and I go to sleep is reflect, Yeah, I'll play the tape and and go back and revisit things and take a look at things and look at my part. Be aware of the self critic and just observe my thoughts and feelings. I don't need to pass judgment on me. If I do, then I'm gonna start judging the other person, but I focus on what I did, right? Self care, be gentle with myself, be gentle with ourselves. What did I do right in this situation? And if I have an opportunity with someone that I trusted to be fair with me, it may not mean they tell my ego, you know what it wants to hear, but they're fair. They're coming from a place of being fair, a place of love, not a place of trying to manipulate their constructive, they're not trying to drive their agenda and trying to change me. They may even say, Hey steve, I think you're being a little hard on yourself here. You did some things right? I just want to remind you of that. So those are a few things that I do on a regular basis. It does get better. It's a combination of things. And again, turning inward and the self care and gratitude. These affirmations that starts with us, we have to be the primary contributor to our building our self worth and enhancing our self worth. Then we're going to be more willing and courageous to put it out there again when we think we've been rejected, it's gotta start with us. It's got to come from within. If we start seeking it externally, what I found out, it will never be enough. It'll never be enough. So, it's good talking with you as always. Thanks again for joining me and thanks again for supporting me. Your messages do matter. And again, feel free to reach out to me at any time. And if you want to talk by phone and and connect, uh let me know that. And I'll give you my cell phone number again. That's at www dot believe and big change dot com again, have a great week. It's great to be with you as always. I love you. You do matter. And you are enough today. We can do this. We got this one. Take care. I love you