Hey there, it's steve pomeroy again, and thank you for joining me for this month's podcast, it's good to be with you as always even giving these very um challenging times for all of us. With that said, I want to wish all of you strength, hope, courage and of course love as we all collectively do our part to move through this together. There's one thing that I've had confidence in in this country for a long time and that is our ability to rally one thing that we do, I think better than anybody else, and that is we rally in this country, hang in there and stay strong. So this month I would like to talk to you about some content, some additional self discovery that I've been doing for quite some time now, as I'm on my journey of recovery and feeling good about things, even given the challenging environment that we're in. So, the topic for today's podcast is around codependency. It's a big word, it's kind of intimidating word to me for a long time, as some of you know, that follow me, I'm a self admitting recovering alcoholic. So signing up for that was a big thing, I mean, it takes some courage to do that, to acknowledge that, to acknowledge that I needed to get help and to do it again. So when I went back to treatment after a relapse a couple of years ago, I started thinking a little bit more about codependency. My first step was to acknowledge that I had had in the past some pretty serious people pleasing tendencies. That was a lot for me to sign up for, because again, I was already signing up for being alcoholic now it's Oh, jeez, what's this codependency thing? I mean, do I have to take this on as well? Well, the answer is yes, because I choose to. So I've been researching this and turning inward for quite some time and I wanted to share this with you today. Again, full disclosure. I'm not a therapist, I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm sharing with you um a part of my journey and where I'm at today. So let's start with looking it up because that's what I did to keep it simple. And here are some signs that, of Codependency that stood out to me and had applied to me right on in the past, difficulty identifying your feelings, check, difficulty communicating your feelings in a relationship, check, valuing approval of others more than my own approval, check, lack of self trust and self esteem, check. That last one didn't always apply to me because, you know, I've done some, some good things in my life and business and other relationships, but it did apply. And when I went through some challenging times, my drinking was escalating my ability to discern and trust in my judgment. My belief in my abilities was challenging at times for me. I opted for the bottle. So, let's back up here a little bit. I'm gonna start with numeral uno for me and that is what I said at the beginning, people pleasing. I mean that's what I turned to realizing now as a much older that I turned to this as a coping mechanism for stress anxiety to find safety, emotional safety for survival. It was a coping mechanism people pleasing. I mean that's something that I realize now doing some more investigation that applied to me for a long time. I still notice it coming up every now and then, which is key to have the awareness first and foremost. You know, I still have that tendency of not wanting to let people down, you know, I want to be there, but I'm also learning to balance that out and say, hey steve, are you taking care of yourself first and foremost. So my childhood, this became part of my conditioning, I realized, you know, as I was starting to get older and mature a little bit that the relationship, the formula for me became very transactional and today I know this more than ever. And that formula if you will was if I met others needs then my needs would get mad if they were happy, then I had permission to be happy. And I started that at a very young age to again seek safety and keep the peace, you know, eventually, as you can imagine, and if you can relate, it became a problem for me, that formula started to change a little bit, It became sacrifice, my needs to meet others needs and their happiness and then again I had permission, but then there was this happiness and love that I expected in return. Reciprocity became conditional. It could have been conditioned upon meeting someone else's needs again or just the fact that it wasn't enough for the other person or persons that cycle became very unhealthy. And then weaving in with certain people, certain toxic relationships that I experienced factor in that my feelings were not getting acknowledged. I wasn't being acknowledged. They were being dismissed more often than not. Therefore, as I touched on in the beginning, I wasn't able to identify my feelings. I've become very confused sometimes. I felt a little bullied and trapped when people would challenge me sometimes publicly and say, and this goes back to a young age of hey, what's your problem? What are you unhappy about? What's the matter with you? You know, it wasn't, hey, is everything okay steve and then let's listen. So that led to me as I got a little bit older and started to develop more friendships and relationships, other relationships, whether it was in business or in life. I really struggled with being able to communicate my feelings and what my needs were so kind of summarizing that here, you know, that conditional love was based on other people's values. Um, and then it was like I was seeking permission, I didn't even think I had permission. Sometimes it was like, okay, do I have permission to be okay? So, I really got sucked in at a very young age to compound matters. You know, obviously you can imagine I struggle with boundaries. I've talked about this in previous podcast that led me to develop some safety attachments, emotional safety attachments outlets if you will. So, and then as I got even older and things are getting more serious and life and in business, I really struggle to discern between the person that was being genuine, authentic, transparent and those toxic people because the toxic people, they know how to confuse us if we let them, which I'm going to talk about here in a moment about taking our power back. This is this is at the core of this. So here I am, I didn't know how to identify and sit with my feelings, conflicts would arise, whether it was healthy person or an unhealthy person and more and more. I'm becoming less healthy and then factor in the booze. So conflict. I didn't know what to do. I'm struggling with trying to regulate all this stuff coming in, all the emotions, the feelings and what the heck to do with them. So part of my m o in addition to alcohol to try and regulate was to avoid conflict. And then when it came time for me to set a boundary, I felt like the boundaries that I would put in place represented conflict. Well, two things one, yes, they represent conflict with somebody who's toxic as we know. They do not like boundaries at all period with a healthier person that would listen to me, want to listen to me and say, okay, steve, I think I see your point, you've kinda, you put the boundary there, you kinda laid down the law, help me out. I care about you at that point again, because I'm struggling to communicate my feelings in a relationship. I like didn't know what to do. I couldn't handle that. I thought that kind of poking fun at myself here that people could read my mind. It's like, hey, I told you, I don't like this, What do you mean? You need to know about how I feel. I mean, that's how it kind of played out because I didn't know how to communicate. So I again, the ability to discern became very difficult and I drank more to cope until eventually, thank goodness, I decided to tap out there and get some help and start this journey of recovery, even with a couple of relapses in between all of this. So with that I had more higher expectations. Why steve, why would your expectations be higher? Well, because my needs weren't getting met, A lot of emotional reactivity here, A lot of hostility built up inside had boundaries. I felt guilty about it around certain people. I didn't like that. So instead of it being, I made a mistake as Bernet Brown puts it, it became, I am a mistake. So now let me tell you what I'm working on today and I'm gonna break this down into three buckets here and you know, hopefully it will be useful for you because it's really helped me out and I suffer so much less. So here's how I find safety and freedom today. Number one I talked about this, it is an inside job. That's self discovery. It's an inside job and it's not a part time job at first when you make the effort to identify your feelings, your emotions, your fears, it's going to feel exhausting. I've written down a few I want to share with you, for me it's been fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of being trapped, like, like I touched on before and of course when the shame really kicks in that feeling of I'm not enough. So I work on this, I meditate, it's so important. Plus, as I mentioned and talked about a bit in the last podcast, meditation for me is pausing the worry cycle, let's just put that on hold, take a few minutes for steve, it's a great way to start my day and if I want to meditate again, I can do that. So when these things come up. So you're saying jeez steve, that's great, I'll get around the meditating at some point, I hope you do? So things are coming up now and you're saying, what can I do now? I ask myself a simple question. Why is it a fear of failure again? Is it fear of being rejected? Is it a fear of letting someone down? Is it that fear of not being enough? This helps me begin the process of self forgiveness, acceptance and awareness and not passing judgment that right there to me is mindfulness, the ability to be in the present and not pass judgment on myself and others. That enables me to do more self care. And eventually it builds my love of self. So a couple of things on this one and then I'll move on the number two. Do not play the victim. I have talked about this in previous podcast and I'll take that a step further. Do not search out another victim. Yes. Just because we have codependent tendencies. It does not mean that we're angels and everything we do is great and wonderful. And we walk on water like attracts like so if you don't want to attract those toxic people, make sure you have good self awareness and you're asking yourself that question why? And make sure you're not seeking them out. Number two expectations. This is huge. If I start to get emotionally dis regulated. This is like right on my dashboard of checking in you remove expectations from others and we take away their power to hurt us ideally in a perfect world. No expectations equals no disappointment. We want to make sure our head doesn't become a resentment factory. So it's very important to watch those expectations. Now, we're all perfectly imperfect every day. These are guidelines. So this gives us an ability to be able to detach when we need to from places, things and other people, as they say, detached with love. If we stay attached with high expectations, I found out I will suffer. And there's a quote that I've read attachment is the root of all suffering. Number three, A belief. It's a belief in yourself. You start to work on these things, starting with turning inward more self care, acceptance, forgiveness. Ultimately love you. Believe in the ability to control your behavior. Less emotional reactivity. You know, it's more basically think first, then maybe pause and then respond the power of the pause. Number two, the belief in your ability to just handle things and it's okay to ask for help. Asking for help is a strength. Not asking for help and struggling doesn't do you any good. Me any good, anybody else gratitude, gratitude, gratitude Right now, it's so important. And I'll leave you with this. As we're wrapping up this podcast, I spend a lot of time focusing on what I have in my life versus what I don't have, especially today in these very challenging times for all of us. If I start focusing on what I don't have here come the expectations. Here comes some emotional dis regulation and then all of a sudden I think I have more problems in life. So basically whatever we focus on will magnify and can even multiply. So that's what I'll leave you with. You know, these three things become a way of doing. You start believing more self efficacy, more resilient, self esteem raises level raises up. It becomes a way of being. So that's it for this time. I appreciate you joining me as always again sending you strength, hope, courage and love. Be strong your efforts in this and everything else right now do matter. You matter and you're loved, be well, be safe, God bless you and believe.