Hey there, it's steve again and thank you so much for joining me for this week's podcast. Hope this finds you well, I hope you had a safe and happy memorial day weekend. I certainly hope that you took time to honor and appreciate those who have served our country so well over so many years. So important to us this week, I want to talk about something that is near and dear to my heart and a part of my story and that is reasons Why people relapse. I've come up with three reasons that I want to touch on this week. I'm a recovering alcoholic, as many of you may know, and I could sit here and literally go over a dozen or so reasons why I drank, stop for a while and then picked up and drank again. They could all seem plausible and make sense at some level I think, and I believe this stuff applies to not just addiction but also other conditions, disorders, diseases, could be mental health challenges, eating disorders, things where we find ourselves coping in unhealthy ways is what we're talking about here. I think I want to focus on three reasons. I've been working on this for a while in my recovery as I've mentioned to many of you that have listened in, you know, relapse is a part of my story and I went to multiple treatments. So I've learned a few things along the way from some very smart people and I'm just gonna give you a quick summary here of what I've come up with with a lot of help by the way along the way at one time, I actually had 16 months, a little over 16 months of sobriety And decided to purchase alcohol and drink one day. Why did that happen? That was one of the first questions that I got when I came back to treatment. Why did you drink? My first response was, I don't know. And you know, I've I've done a lot of work since then and gone back and retrace things and played back the tape. And after that 16 months when I picked up I would drink and drink more to where I get really bad again and the disease that I have access was accelerating. So in about six weeks I would just be totally beat down and decide to stop drinking on my own detox on my own. Very dangerous by the way, alcohol and Benzos. When you detox from those, you can die from that. So lucky enough I was able to come back so I would sober up for about 23 months and feel really good not have any cravings, but then I would drink again and I did that. I cycled in and out for over two years until thankfully I came back to treatment. Many of you have loved ones that relapse into other unhealthy coping behaviors besides addiction or in addition to addiction. So I want to touch on this today and where it all comes from, which I believe is when we have unmet needs, when our needs are not being consistently met. I believe it leads us into a certain pattern of thinking, feeling. And then there's a whole lot of emotions that come up that for me felt like I was being flooded with emotions and overwhelmed by it. And so basically I would panic and look for quick relief for me that was in the form of a drink. So the first one that I'm gonna talk about briefly that's been written about and then I've learned a fair amount about from a lot of experts is the term cognitive distortion. I looked it up for the sake of wanting to keep it simple for the audience. There are rational thoughts. It's a rational thinking many times those irrational thoughts thinking are negative. So we've got negative irrational thoughts that lead to certain feelings that lead to certain emotions for me, I would end up in a place where there were two overriding feelings and questions that I would have for myself. Am I enough? Am I enough for this situation? Am I enough for this friend, this potential friend, this significant other a family member. Am I enough in business for me? The pattern got so bad that that answer more often than not was no, I'm not enough. I would start to get additional irrational thoughts and negative feelings. Ultimately negative emotions. I would start to feel alone and cut off and isolated alone with that shame of not being enough. And with all those negative thoughts and feelings that's going to be very challenging for any human being on this planet, in my opinion, unless we do the work, started thinking about all the needs and the things that I weren't, wasn't getting all kinds of irrational thoughts would come up. This person doesn't care. Everybody feels this way about me, people don't like me, I'm not good with other people, I can't get a break. Why does it always have to be so difficult? That's a lot to handle and in and out of this place. And turning to alcohol, which was the way I coped. You've still got to interact with people, at least I chose to for a while until for me, I ended up ultimately in total isolation other than to go to the store and purchase more alcohol. So as this pattern is developing and building and I'm trying to interact with people and figure out a way to develop healthy relationships and back then, I'm not even sure what they were. So, what I'm talking about here is boundaries, I wouldn't know when and how to speak up for myself when I finally did do that and I put my foot down, I've had enough. I'm not gonna stand for this crap any longer. I'm sick and tired of this. It was a little too late because of that at that point, the other person or persons or thinking what's going on. he said everything was fine, everything was okay. What happened here? Well, I didn't know either, but I put my foot down. So those boundaries felt too rigid for others and too rigid for me enter in once again, more rational thoughts, negative feelings, ultimately a whole bunch of negative emotions and a lot of shame that leads to number three, which is the number one cause of relapse today. And that is emotional dis regulation. That is defined as a lack of capacity, ability to be aware of control and express ones emotions. Now, most of us, if we're honest, can all relate to this in some way, shape or form. So when I'm, when I'm gonna talk about in a moment here, a few things that you can do to support people that really struggle with this more than the average person. Keep this in mind that we all can relate to this, It's so important because people ask me, my family has asked me how can we support you? We don't know how to support this person. We don't know what to do. We don't know what's causing this. Why are they acting this way? Why do they get so upset? Why do they take things so personal? Why did they seem so sensitive to things more than most people? So I get that question a lot, I'm gonna talk about that. So when these things happen, irrational thoughts lack of boundaries leading to emotional dis regulation with a lot of shame. It blocks our ability to connect and find emotional intimacy with others and when we don't know how to do that, how do we fill that gap for me? It was two things both outside of me, one alcohol and two external validation. Looking for people to validate something I did or said who I am, what I stand for, what I believe in just like the alcohol eventually it was never enough. It's like, you know, on facebook, it's never gonna be enough likes with a posting if that's what you're looking for. Well, if they gave me 250 likes on this one, oh I think this one will be better. Let's serve this one up, let's post. Oh, it only got 125, wow. What did I do wrong? Probably nothing. But it's how we respond to that. So again, alcohol, external validation was never enough. So what can we do to support these people? Here's a few things that I suggest voya And I work at this on a daily basis, not only to support me, but to support the people that I care about and the people that I'm trying to help number one don't assume anything about why they're feeling this way, why they're upset, why they lashed out, why they seem too sensitive, why they can't stop coping in an unhealthy way. Drugs, alcohol. Um Food, sex cutting unhealthy ways to cope that, you know, something about their addiction, don't assume that's gonna create an opportunity for you to Listen, which is number two listen with the intent to identify with them, Remember what I was talking about earlier, irrational thoughts, negative thoughts and feelings, negative emotions, struggling with boundaries becoming emotionally dis regulated, feeling flooded, overwhelmed. We all I believe if we're honest, can identify with that, Take a few minutes pause, take a breath and listen to the other person. And if you feel that pressed for time and you've got to circle back, please don't keep putting it off. If they need you, you want to be there for him. Make the time We can do this. That leads me to point number three that I suggest. The third suggestion is what we call the how honest, open and willing open to listen to them, opening to receiving suggestions like I'm making on this podcast, willing to listen. The willingness to try new things to try something that they like, that. You may not have a lot of interest in who knows, you might have some fun, you may connect in a way that you never thought you could. And third honesty, be honest about this stuff. When you go to identify again, we're human, we've all struggled with negative thoughts, feelings and emotions and felt flooded and overwhelmed. We're human. It feels vulnerable and it is and it takes courage, but that is what is required for connection and define this intimacy and to set ourselves up to succeed in our interaction in our relationships with others. So again, don't assume listen to identify and be honest, open and willing and I'll leave you with this, watch the expectations with all of this. This requires time, effort, patience and practice. Remember for these people that are struggling with this. Being able to resist, first of all, identify and resist a trigger that could lead to unhealthy coping to not lash out to be able to speak calmly and clearly and identify unmet needs and convey that to us. That is success right there, whether you feel you're in recovery or not, that's successful in my opinion. Thanks again for listening and joining me for this week's podcast. And I look forward to hearing from you again as always and catching up with you next week, Be well and God bless.