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it sounds like a big key in in terms of working through shame, were there lies a lot of pain suffering we've had to endure. And in some cases we've chosen to indoor the suffering, as they say, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. A big key for me. Working through that when I went through treatment the last time, as I've said before, I've been through it multiple times, was too get really honest and support group meetings. They say rigorous honesty. I've never had a lot of people call me a dishonest person or really get into my integrity, but then again, they only knew what they knew and what I told them. And I'm not implying that I was, you know, like this liar and dishonest person. I think a lot of it was hiding things to cope to survive. That's the way I got by. I didn't want people to get to know me because I thought if they did, they would view me as a weak person. In other words. I thought vulnerability was was weakness. And so I would um, selectively disclose what I felt would suffice and allow people into a certain point. And then if it got uncomfortable for me, I would push them away simply by avoiding situations, interactions what I appreciate conflict. And that's certainly pretty well, you know, when you're around people that professed to be, you know, proponents of tough love and conditional love and, you know, pursuing their own agenda at the same time. Um, it served me pretty well. And so we talk about rigorous honesty, you know, there's a story which can be honest and I've told a lot of stories and there's a lot of honesty there and then there's a story behind the story and it gets more honest. And then there's the stuff that people don't like to talk about, the story behind the story behind the story. And for me that truth, that honesty was talking about my shame, you know, you've heard the saying the truth will set you free. That's what really started to, to set me free on so many different levels from being able to start not taking things personally realizing that people weren't doing it to me, they were just doing it and that's where they were at that particular time and place. Um, not an easy one. It's always easy to give that advice out. Don't take it personally until it happens to us of course. So I have to work through that in my mind with a lot of talking to others and prayer and meditation, getting support from around people that really care about me and won't judge me, but to attract this type of people, I had to get what it felt like was so raw, You know, talking about, you know, things from, hey steve what's going on with you well to be honest with you, I really don't feel like being here right now and that's why I was late and I've got a lot on my mind and working on the shame stuff is wearing me down and but I'm here and I'm showing up and I'm gonna do my best to keep an open mind, you know, that it's not too harsh, that's just being honest. It's not attacking, it's not judging or criticizing, just saying here's where I'm at. And you've heard me talk about why shame on a number of different fronts and how it led contributed greatly to, you know, me falling prey to the disease of alcoholism. But I see so many people that I met in treatment support groups and in life that just don't want to let go of that suffering for some reason, it it that's what they know, that's what is familiar to them. That's a part of their comfort zone. And somehow some way it served them well. And it probably did for me, I have to think about that some more until I stopped serving me well. And there was nothing left to serve except serve me another drink to put it bluntly. But I see people and you may be able to relate to this that go through this for most of their lives and they just won't take, give themselves an opportunity to choose a different experience, the anxiety, the memories of being anxious and feeling fear and feeling traumatized are not gonna go away. The brain part of the brain actually stores that to protect us, to warn us to to avoid it, to avoid these things. So it's there, it's not going anywhere, but we can choose to experience it differently for me it's doing what I'm doing right now with you and sharing that and helping others being of service um day in and day out, having that opportunity and praying for the courage to be of service to strength and courage to be of service because there's plenty of times I want a chicken help and think it's not important to not say hello to smile. This was to somebody smile at somebody to hold the door for somebody To let somebody go in front of me in line that has two items at the grocery and I've got, you know, 25, but you know, I'll tell you about an experience I had, I was driving over, I'm going back to school pursuing the substance abuse counselor certification, so I'm heading over to part of U. C. L. A. S campus, their extension campus and so I see a homeless person standing there where the stoplight is and this happened really fast quicker than I can tell the story. And you know, I work with the homeless volunteered for for about three years, you know, almost every week, sometimes multiple times a week, you know, putting in, you know, good um 10 to 14 hours in a week. So you'd think it would be easy for me to slow down and give the person, you know a few box and what was going through my mind was as the light I could tell was gonna change colors from two yellow and eventually to read was do I really have to slow down and stop at the light and give this person money and, and talk to him. I actually contemplated could I run through the light? Break the law, which I've done before. I've run a stoplight. I've broken the speed limit and uh, And just give them the money as I'm just coasting on

through and it's 6: 8:38

00 in the evening when there's all this traffic in, in L. A. You know, and I decided to stop and I gave him a, you know, a few bucks. Um, the person saw a sweatshirt a handle on and we started talking football And I'll tell you what, that person seemed very uh intelligent and competent and they were just trying to get some money to go back home to visit their family. And I could tell you all kinds of stories of people I worked with volunteering everything from the real hard luck stories and the abuse, physical emotional sexual, the drugs at a young age to, to cope to numb that pain and being homeless since they were, you know, a teenager, young teenager to people that fell on hard times that were lawyers and Beverly hills and they fell prey to substance abuse and and um, just weren't running their business right. And got into some other trouble. What's the difference between you two in my opinion. Absolutely nothing because the disease does not discriminate. And I can tell you this, this person made my day, I got more than I ever could have bargained for and I just gave him a few bucks. But that took courage for me. Some people will do, it is no big deal. And for me I had to have some courage and the strength to stop and to roll down the window and he wanted to make a conversation. Some of them don't when I roll down the window and they just say thank you and God bless and I say God bless you and you know, but I gave myself that opportunity and hopefully it helped them in some way share perform so but back to the honesty piece, I think a lot of it, his, you know, as I said, comes from fear. We're afraid to tell people how we feel, how much we're hurting and we're suffering because we're afraid of being judged. That's, that was my fear. I went to multiple treatments and had been in and out fighting to sing for a good decade and I was afraid that people would say, oh my gosh, look at this guy, he ran a company, he had this meteoric rise at a young age, he's making money. He's doing this, he lives where he wants to go. He goes where he wants to go and this guy's in here talking about his pain and suffering. That's what I thought they were going to say to me. That's what I thought. That's what I believed. You know, how could this guy become an alcoholic? How could this guy have pain and suffering? They don't know my pain and suffering? You know what a lot of times I don't but I have empathy. How do I have empathy because I can share my pain and suffering. That gives me an opportunity to open up and have access to it. To really have empathy to show people compassion by showing them, demonstrating that I'm concerned about them and their well being and I want to help in some way, shape or form to have access to that. I didn't have access to that for about 10 years because of shame and of course, assisted by alcohol was turned into alcoholism. I had it before that and now I have it again. But that access to these things was blocked and I have access to it by being gentle with myself, having compassion which is key to self care in addition to meditation. Prayer, going to the gym, reaching out to people for connection, going to support group meetings, reading, writing, and doing what I'm doing now. So just a few things to uh to think about