Hi, this is steve and welcome to this month's podcast for believing big change. You can find me at www dot believe and big change dot com this month, we're gonna talk about your loved ones, friends, family members, and people that you're very concerned about. That could be struggling with potential mental health issues, addiction or both. And whether or not you really believe that day want help, that they think they need help because denial can certainly be a part of this process and it is a process I to them in recovery and would like to share some of my thoughts so that you can support them unconditionally the best way possible and encourage them because a lot of positive reinforcement throughout this process and it can be long and painful at times. So we're gonna talk about that today when you're thinking about this and a loved one, someone that you really care for, just remember this, We live in a shaming society. There's a lot of shame, you know, in the the media, the mainstream media, social media, a lot of expectations. And people that have thought about getting help and those in trouble probably have at some point, they carry a lot of shame with them. And when you carry a lot of shame with you and I can attest to this again, as I too am in recovery, it's very difficult to get out of your comfort zone. And addiction can be part of the comfort zone. Being homeless can be a part of the comfort zone. There's a lot of fear doubt and uncertainty certainty that these people need to start to overcome and make the first step and reach out for help. And just because they reach out forward and maybe seek treatment or other means of uh therapy or what have you help shelter if you're homeless? Some people are homeless have mental health issues as well as fight uh and struggle with addiction. So they've hit all three of them. So you can imagine the kind of pain that they're in, the fear, the shame that they carry again, shame can be defined as I'm not enough, I'm not worthy, people don't care about me, I'm alone. So when they carry these things fear shame with them, it makes it very difficult for a person to believe that there is a better alternative that they can get well that they can begin to trust in people. Remember these people have probably experienced some form of trauma in their life, it could be, you know, very unfortunate things like rape molestation, physical abuse, mental abuse that they're carrying with them. It makes them very difficult for them to trust people and believe that there's an alternative and that people really want to help them. So try to keep that in the back of your mind. I encourage you to do that or at the forefront of your mind and think about compassion, listening with empathy. A lot of positive reinforcement and I understand that it could test your patience at times because you want to help. You want to provide a solution and we all want to try and fix things, especially if you're a man were raised to fix things to get involved, roll up our sleeves and fix things. There is no quick fix, There's no fix at all other than to treat these things day by day and many times, moment by moment and again for these people to start to deal with the shame, get out of their comfort zone and it's a huge effort on their part. It takes tremendous courage. A lot of times we have no idea what's going on inside their head and what they've been carrying with them for perhaps decades and decades in their life. So it's very difficult to take this contrary action and remember what I talked about before. The two deal with the shame to counter the shame we have to be vulnerable again. And these people have run from that. They've run from their fears, their insecurities, and making themselves completely vulnerable, letting their guard down and saying, yes, I really need help is a huge task for them. It's it's tremendous. They probably thought about it. And so you're probably sensing many times some denial on their part, um admitting that you have a problem that you need help is very difficult, whether you're in this place of addiction, mental health homelessness or just asking for help in general again, a very judging and shaming society that we live in. So these people are going up against a lot and they feel that the odds are very stacked greatly stacked against them. One of the biggest things that I found in my recovery early on was to trust, accept and be patient with the process. Remember these people, especially if you're an addict, a substance abuser in the past or now, um want a quick fix. They want, we're in a society of instant gratification, we put some effort out there, we make a little effort, we want it back very quickly. So these people don't have to get help and believe and trust in the process again and try to understand just amazing concepts such as day by day, they're not used to that. So it's a huge step for them to go forward and try to get help and many times it doesn't work the first time. As some of you may know, they can go to treatment multiple times and they just haven't quite gotten there. They haven't gone all the way in. I had to dig very deep and I keep digging as I wrote about in this month's blog about dealing with my shame on a daily basis. The good news is is it does get better. But again, you have to start with believing that there is a better alternative and that this alternative will take time and that's a big one to uh to get your arms around. So again, asking these people two get comfortable where it's been uncomfortable for them for so long that they probably can't remember with their fear. Their doubt and uncertainty is a big, major undertaking. I know people from support group meetings that I regularly attend that took them 17 times in treatment To get it right and they have north of 10 years of sobriety and being clean from alcohol and drugs so they're definitely worth, worth the effort. They have to truly start to believe again that people do care for them and they want to help them and are not going to give up on them. Now sometimes you have to detach with love from a family member, a loved one, a significant other, a friend um because it could be unhealthy for you, especially if you're in recovery too, but you can still support them from afar and still be encouraging with all the technology that we have and continue to try and reach out to them from time to time. But these people have believed that people have given up on them, don't care for them, don't trust them because you know when we're caught up in our substance abuse um it starts by not being honest with ourselves first and thinking everything that's okay and then subconsciously we're not honest with others, even though our attentions might be good, it's just where the path of addiction and just trying to survive day by day can take one of us some more things to keep in mind as you work with someone that you really care about and wanna be supportive, encouraging, empathetic, compassionate, forgiving, which I know can be difficult. It's a process, you know, I've heard and read where forgiveness can be moment by moment and for me too, work on some of the resentments I carried with me mainly towards myself again, not thinking that I was enough. Um I had to continue to be vulnerable and work on my shame and it's something that I pretty much work on daily. Many people don't realize that they need to help. So it's a huge step for them. I've read where 25% of people in treatment or court ordered. So you can probably imagine that many of them don't want to be there, they're angry and there's definitely probably some form of denial again, the vulnerability again for them is a huge step where they can start to feel comfortable with saying things like I don't know, I'm afraid I'm alone, I have shame, I care about me, but I don't know how to do this, I need help and when we talk about shame and wanting the loved one to come forward, the friend to ask for help to actually seek help. Um there's a lot of in addition to the shame, the shaming society that we live in today. There's a lot of stigmatizing language as you know, language can bind us together or tear us apart. So terms, traditional terms like alcoholic and addict a bomb, somebody on the streets, a criminal, Those are very harsh words. So think carefully about your choice of words with them. Uh it's something to to keep in mind when you're talking to them because that will just bring more shame their way and they're gonna withdraw and they're not gonna want to seek help. And I can tell you firsthand that was very difficult for me to come around to the fact that I had a drinking problem. I was abusing alcohol and I have the disease of alcoholism. Keep that in mind as well. I'm studying now. I'm back in college, working towards my certificate and drug, drug and alcohol counseling. And so I'm starting to learn about these things. It's a disease of the brain and these people's brains, including mine were hardwired for sometimes decades, you know, my mind, I had to realize part of it, part of my brain, not all of it. There's an old brain and a new brain. The older brain, the more primitive part of the brain that is created for survival and deals with cravings has become conditioned to think about a drink when something good celebration, bad anxiety seeking relief, pain, relief from pain or just you start to get conditioned to I need to survive my body. My mind that part of the brain is telling me I need this substance to get by today to deal with rich all symptoms. So remember there is a lot of physical pain, mental suffering anguish, and they're carrying a lot of these things with them. And what we have learned over time was to push these emotions down and to not deal with them. So I hope this gives you some food for thought as we will be talking about this in future months and writing about this and thanks again for joining me. And remember that these people do matter. You can love them as they want to love back. That's what we all need. At the end of the day, we need love, we need forgiveness, We need compassion, we need support. We need empathy. So maybe just try to make a little bit more of an effort and remember it's a process in the process can be very long and painful sometimes, but we're all worth it. Talk to you soon. Thanks again for joining me and God bless.